i was reading through my old diary. and i found a couple of entires. memories. so i decided to post them. let you all get to know a little more of me.

dear diary,
i thought my heart would never be broken. but during these few weeks. it has been cracked so often. and i've cried so many times. first, it was because he felt that he wasn't good enough for me. but that didn't matter to me. now everything i say seems to offend him. he is constantly trying to test my love for him. haven't i proven myself enough? maybe it just isn't enough for him. which leads me to think if any of the things i have done is enough? but i will keep trying. just like i say i will. i won't stop. even if i don't have enough strength to carry on. i'll still try. even if all else fails. i'll still try.
in the end. i still wonder if this is all true. when he kissed me. when he held my hand. when he held me so tight. when he said that he loved me. do you think it was all an act so that he could get what he wanted? its not fair. how he always manages to turn the tables around and constantly making me feel that i'm the one at fault.
what is going on through his mind? what is he thinking of? me? and how amazingly stupid i am to believe him? to trust him. and worst of all. love him?
maybe its a good time we talk things out face to face. i can't wait for him to reply anymore. the anticipation is killing me. as much as the pain of waiting. i can still see the scars on my hand. they have healed. but still. the scars don't fade.
i'll still keep trying.
25th november 2005

dear diary,
all this seems to be getting a little confusing for me to comprehend. what is going on between us? is it love or something else? i frankly have no idea at all.
i have no idea how many times i cried for him. it just seems that he's my everything. and hen he told me to forget him. i just broke down. that idea seem to tear me apart on the spot. and there is nothing i can do about it. he says that he is not good enough for me. its not true. there is no such thing. i'm imperfect. and i hope that he can understand that.
i feel insecrue at times as well. i mean. why would he want someone like me? someone with so many flaws? what if i'm unable to give him what she has given him? how long will it last? a few months? half a year? a year? or a lifetime? i put my faith in everything but this is something i have no faith in. it just seems that i have no reason to have faith in it because of all the insecurities that still exists within me. i am stressed. there is so much that i don't know and i'm not sure about. there are many loopholes and i need to sort it out and close it. i need alot of time. i feel safe with him. i feel comfortable with him. very comfortable with him.
i guess we'll jsut have to see how it all goes down.
9th december 2005

i know it was so long ago. but i realised that there were just too manay insecurities in this. thats why it doesn't work out.
i'm contented now.
with the way things are.
not exactly at happy yet.
but i'm stisfied and contented with the way things are now.
and i wouldn't want it any other way.
trust me.
its the truth.